Dating with C-PTSD

Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) can result from prolonged exposure to traumatic events, often within relationships or environments where there is an expectation of trust. This can lead to a pattern of self-sabotaging behaviors in future relationships, as the person struggles to reconcile their expectations with the reality of a healthier dynamic. Here are five results of C-PTSD manifesting as self-sabotaging behaviors in romantic relationships:

1. Difficulty Trusting Partners:

People with C-PTSD may struggle to trust new partners because of past betrayals. It can lead to constant self-sabotage by questioning the motives of their partner and expecting disappointment. The challenge is not the mistrust. The problem is the expectation but more specifically who you are counting on for the outcome. Even if you mistrust the person, you are trusting that they will treat you poorly, disappoint, or betray. This is still faith albeit in negativity. My advice is always to change your focus. You cannot control what they do, but you can control, develop, and evolve You. Rather than worrying about what they will do, take every opportunity to enjoy You with them, express yourself authentically, and share only what you are willing to share. That way, no matter what they do, you are in a position to respond unapologetically as You.

Learning Approach: Therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), can be very beneficial. Through therapy, individuals can learn to identify negative thought patterns and work on building trust slowly. Processing CBT without a therapist looks like exploring your automatic thoughts, questioning them, and reframing to invite outcomes that fit your desires. Similar to the above, you accept that you can only control you. That control invites a certain experience. If you are not having that experience, you know to allow the relationship to dwindle or cut it off clean.

2. Fear of Intimacy:

Intimacy involves being vulnerable, which can be frightening for someone with a history of traumatic relationships. They might push their partner away to protect themselves from potential hurt. They may ghost or isolate themselves seeking refuge from overwhelming feelings and requests from the new partner to go deeper in exploration and knowledge of each other. The challenge here is as much the vulnerability as the honesty. It is the fear that you will be berated or judged for what you reveal. I say, “Fail quickly.” Watch the care with which your potential partner handles each thing you reveal in conversation. If they are dismissive, curt, insensitive (even in jest), or sarcastic, they are not safe for sharing.

Learning Approach: Gradual exposure to vulnerability in controlled environments can help. Additionally, being in a supportive relationship where partners communicate openly about their fears and work through them together can foster trust. You are not required to trust anyone. You are encouraged to listen, explore, and see who they are. When they tell you, believe them.

3. Negative Self-Image:

C-PTSD might lead to a negative self-image, causing individuals to feel unworthy of love and happiness. This may result in staying in unhealthy relationships or sabotaging good ones because they don’t believe they deserve better. You may be a person who focuses on helping or serving others without attending to your own needs or allowing others to attend to you. At least two things are in play. First, is your question about your worthiness rooted in a fear of not being enough. Second, is your pride and forced strength due to disappointments from people you have counted on in the past.  

Learning Approach: Building self-esteem through self-care practices, self-compassion exercises, and potentially working with a therapist can be crucial. Receiving positive feedback and reinforcement in a relationship can also counteract these feelings. The hard part: Ask for feedback and accept it without defensiveness or explanation of your rights. Focus on explaining your process and working with trusted others to hone your skills, engineer gratitude, and support long-lasting peace even amid collaboration. You don’t need to do everything right, all by yourself, perfect on the first try.

4. Hyper-Vigilance:

Remaining constantly on guard for signs of danger or betrayal, even in benign situations, can be exhausting and may strain the relationship significantly. This leads to prolonged absences that may not add up in the eyes of the romantic other. Especially true for those who gain energy from solitude, exhaustion can cause feelings of incompatibility though the romantic other has no knowledge of the problem or the history draining your brain.

Learning Approach: Mindfulness and relaxation techniques can help reduce hyper-vigilance. It’s also helpful to establish clear communication with a partner about triggers and how they can support the process. It may be difficult to open your inner world to a new person, but decide whether you want to invest in the relationship. If you do, this communication is critical to stave off hurt feelings, missed opportunities, and feelings of micro-rejection.

5. Emotional Dysregulation:

Emotional regulation can be a significant challenge, with strong reactions to seemingly minor issues, which can be confusing and alarming for both partners. The aftermath of trigger can set off a communication content and pattern that is all about defensiveness, offended feelings, and even felt disrespect. Often, the original trigger is never addressed because of reciprocal offense as each person, attempting to clarify their position, misses the opportunity to hear, validate, and care for the other person’s hurt.

Learning Approach: Learn to say, “I was hurt and it may not be your fault.” Practicing emotional regulation techniques such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, and emotional identification can be useful. Consistent practice of these methods can build resilience and help maintain control over emotional responses. Focus on “I” statements without telling the other person what they feel and without suggesting that they “made” you feel something. You choose your feelings in response to what they do. Continue with that knowledge into a skill.

Learning Serenity in Healthy Relationships:

For all these challenges, the overarching approach to finding serenity in healthy relationships is through continuous work and patience applied to you by You. Here’s a summary of how individuals with C-PTSD can learn, practice, and find peace:

• Engage in Therapy: Professional help can offer guidance tailored to specific needs and trauma histories, providing a safe space to unpack and work through complex emotions.
• Communication: Honest and open communication with a partner can foster understanding and patience, which is essential for building a supportive relationship. If you cannot find a safe space to communicate, leave that relationship sooner rather than later.
• Self-Care: Prioritizing self-care is vital for everyone, especially those with C-PTSD. Taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental health can bolster your overall well-being and contribute to healthier relationships. Realize that it is not just spa days and time away. Self-care is learning to collaborate, seek help, and allow others to help you.
• Boundaries: Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial as it helps in creating a sense of safety and control within the relationship. These boundaries include cultivating the ability to operate within chaos with a center in your intention, competence, and confidence knowing that self-regulation, self-expression, and self-awareness reveal character; your character and theirs.  
• Practice Patience: Healing is not linear and recognizing and accepting this fact can relieve the pressure to “get better” quickly. Understanding that setbacks are part of the process and having self-compassion during those times is critical to progress along your healing journey.